Lipstick and Legos: My Break

07 January 2017   Holli Maurer
What to do on vacation? Paint, of course. Doesn't everybody?

I have four jobs. Most important to me, my main job, is about a 50-60 hour job on most weeks. Some weeks aren’t like that but the majority of my weeks are, and that’s ok because I love the pace. My other jobs require about 5-10 hours a week total, depending on how much extra income I want, as two of them are direct sales companies. Then I have this blog; which although it’s a source of income is more of a therapeutic outlet for me to vent and talk through my crazy life. I tell you all this because normally, I have 80 hours per week devoted to “stuff.” Don’t forget I’m also a single momma to Big and Little, so reallyyyyy, I have no time for really anything. 

The week between Christmas and New Year’s is historically a week off for me. This year was no different but the exception was that I had no plans. NONE. Little was at home with me. I got into a really silly argument with my best friend, and had a lot on my mind in other regards. A lot; and more than normal.

One morning, I woke up and decided I wanted to paint an accent wall. I went to Wal-Mart and stood at the paint swatches while Little and his “girlfriend” screamed through the aisles. The man next to me at the paint swatches asked if they were my children. I looked their direction and looked back at the man and shook my head no. I denied even knowing them. It was after Christmas; Santa had already been to see me, so I figured I was safe! I picked a dark charcoal color for an accent wall, and then got another gallon of an accent color for my kitchen. In true Holli fashion, before painting, I had taken it to Facebook for everyone’s opinion. People were encouraging the kitchen to be a variety of colors ranging from terra cotta, turquoise, to eggshell. If you are someone who uses these terms, stop it. Just say red, blue and white. It’s annoying.

My mother told me that I needed to be “hip” and pick a jewel tone. I chose a color called “Caribbean Sea.” Maybe, I thought, a super-hot muscular man in a swimsuit would pop out of the pantry when I searched for pasta. Maybe a beach would magically appear outside over the Chihuahua poop covered dead grass in the backyard. You never know. 

Before painting I took Little and his girl to see “Sing” at our movie theatre. I’m actually not even sure what that movie was about. My mother went with us and I could tell that within two minutes she wanted to get out of the theatre. She’s hyper-sensitive to sick people; she really should have worked for the CDC. I feel like she would really have enjoyed that job because she’s a little obsessed about researching every latest sickness out there. Anyway, the whole theatre was hacking and coughing and every time they did, she would shift uncomfortably in her chair. By hour TWO of this horrific movie with singing animals, I had enough.

When I got home, I didn’t think that painting with two 4-year old’s at home would be difficult. ERROR. Don’t do this. EVER. First of all, I don’t tape things; who has time for that, for real. So I thought I could easily “stay within the lines” with my hip jewel tones except I was so incredibly stressed out about painting with children at the house that instead of an accent wall, I started painting like everything in my kitchen. Side note: one time my bestie and I drank a bottle of wine and thought my bedroom needed to be the color of the merlot we were drinking. We also didn’t tape. I woke up the next morning with red on the carpet, in my hair, on the ceiling; everywhere. I should have learned then; but didn’t. I painted jewel tone Caribbean Sea all over the kitchen, not knowing when to stop. When I thought I found a good spot, Little’s girl came in and touched the wall to see “if it was dry,” and then twirled around to “dance” and to balance herself, she touched an unpainted wall. Mmmkay. Now I had to paint THAT wall. So, in the end, not so much an “accent wall,” but really a whole complete kitchen overhaul. 

The living room would be different, I thought. I had just one specific wall to paint charcoal grey. Again, without taping, I painted. I did great; in my opinion. However! My mother came over to look at the work. She walked in and squinted her little beady eyes at the wall. She made light conversation. She avoided the topic of the wall. She almost avoided the Caribbean Sea too, but finally complimented it. But the grey she said, “so, are you done with that wall?” I erupted into a major fit of rage and screamed at her about how inconsiderate and insensitive she was; and she tried to leave to go home. No! I followed her out, gently prying her for more information without leading her to believe that she was right.

Also a side note: do you know you have muscles in your body called Painter’s Muscles? Yes. It’s true. They only get worked during painting. They reside in every area of your entire body; but you don’t usually feel them. Lemme tell ya; after two days of accent wall painting, I felt them. 

On day 3 of the accent wall painting, I woke up barely able to get out of bed. My Painter’s Muscles were throbbing. There’s no way I’d let my Mothership win the paint war. She was wrong! My house looked great. Little’s girl came over for another play date; and I slowly dragged all the paint supplies back out again. I now have charcoal grey walls on six of my living room walls (again, not an accent) and light grey (that I miraculously had in my garage) on nine walls/space. My mother won. The two children stayed far away from me during these three days; and my Painter’s Muscle group have been restored to normal usage.

We cleaned all our closets and rearranged all the furniture. Are you truly aware how dirty your home looks after you paint? Ugh, so gross. I spent the remaining days of my “vacation” and time away from work bleaching the house, doing all the laundry, and peeling candy wrappers off Big’s floor from Halloween. I was genuinely excited to return to my four jobs away from my house. I couldn’t punch any more hours into my timeclock at the house! It made my “real” work seem easy, in comparison. I give all you housewives and stay at home mothers huge props; this is a full time job that I do not want!